I had everything that I thought I was meant to have.
Marriage, kids, house, business, car.
And I cried, every single day.
I felt ungrateful for crying, which made me feel guilty, and that made me cry more.
Nothing I bought, ate, watched or did could numb the immense pain that was welling up inside me, and the harder I fought to keep it together, the worse it got.
I went to the doctor, and was given anti-depressants.
Which I felt ashamed and guilty about, and I probably would have cried about that too, but the pills numbed all my feelings and all the tears dried up.
I could function, but only from inside an invisible bubble, where I didn’t really feel anything.
Like a robot, just going through the motions.
I began to ask, what the feck is this all about?
If I’ve ticked all the boxes for what’s expected of me, and I’m so miserable that I’m on emotional-painkillers, what is the fricking point?
Where am I going wrong?
As always, in the asking, answers started to appear, mostly in books that I felt drawn to.
The first book to change my life was The Alchemist, by Paolo Coelho, which teaches that our happiness and dreams are vital.
Reading Coelho’s words opened up a whole realm of possibility to me; the idea that you must follow your own heart, and not martyr yourself in sacrifice to others.
Many times I had caught myself thinking; ‘We’ll stay married until the youngest leaves home.”
It was a revelation to me, this idea that I was allowed to focus on my own happiness right now, even though I was a mum.
I felt the truth of it, and I wanted to know more.
I began to read everything I could get my hands on that might help me to understand how I came to be here on this planet, what the point of it was, and how to get the best out of it.
Books on evolution, religion, spirituality, and science.
I didn’t want to concentrate on one side of the coin. I wanted a complete picture, a solid foundation to rest my life on.
As I pieced together the puzzle, everything began to change.
I became fascinated with the concept of energy, how it defines our very existence as humans, is the stuff we are all made of, and affects everything we think, do and feel.
The more I learned, the faster the black clouds cleared.
A few months later, I felt I had a fair understanding of how life came to be, how it works, what we’re doing here, and I had found my answer to the question ‘What’s the fricking point of it all?”
I stopped taking anti-depressants.
And I found I had the strength and courage to end my marriage.
How had I changed, other than deciding to prioritise my own happiness?
I had found purpose.
My life had a greater meaning, because I had woken up to the fact that by deciding ‘this is it, boxes checked, I’ll just sit here and wait this out’ I was telling myself that there was nothing else for me, and that nothing could get better.
The first step to finding purpose, is to recognise that you need one.
If you sit still, like water, you stagnate.
Your life energy begins to seep away, until you find yourself crying every day, or manifesting some other mysterious symptom that just won’t go away.
When we do what we’re meant to be doing, and learn what we’re here to learn, everything improves.
Working with entrepreneurs and their money blocks, there’s one major thing I see people tripping up on when it comes to finding their purpose.
The pressure to find The One.
That one thing, that perfect assignment, that we will do until we die.
People search for it like it’s the Holy Grail, and become understandably frustrated when it doesn’t appear.
Here’s some good news.
Your purpose isn’t one Big Thing that is the same your whole life.
On average we are born into this life with 42 purposes.
Now that’s an average, so of course there are people with one big clear purpose that they devote their life to.
We see them, and get caught in the trap of beating ourselves up because we haven’t hit on the one Mother Teresa-style mission that we want to dedicate our entire existence to.
Many of us do indeed have one big mission, but we also have a whole lot of other missions that are important too.
Mentoring one of my practitioners last week, I found that her current purpose is to transition from her current career. We have a picture for how we want to create her lifestyle, and we even know what her Big Mission is.
So we might have assumed that moving from her current job is just one task arising in pursuit of the Big Mission / Purpose. And that’s not the case.
This transition is so vital that it’s an assignment all of it’s own.
This is the beauty of purpose.
It changes over time, and some last a day, and some are missions that last a lifetime.
Before you make any other decisions, follow your intuition and looking for what feels good.
Because the truth is, when it comes to what you want, there is no right or wrong, the only guide is:
Do you genuinely feel an inner calling to do it?
That’s a sign that you’re on-purpose.
Note these words:
Genuinely – truly, if you’re absolutely honest with yourself.
Feel – does it feel right in your body if you sit with it and ask?
Inner – is the pull to act coming from within you or without?
Calling – is it spoken by a loving voice in your head, guiding you forward?
Why is this so important?
When we concentrate on our purpose, it feels fantastic. Even the ‘hard’ work feels good.
Finding purpose changed everything for me.
Within a few months I stopped taking anti-depressants, found strength I hadn’t felt since I was about 19 years old, and four weeks after ending my marriage I met Pete, and he is a brilliant, loving dad to all three of our children.
All of that happened before I even had a clue that I’d end up teaching about energy. I just genuinely felt an inner calling to learn about it.
That was over eight years ago, and it set me on the path that led directly to this moment, writing these words to you today.
Please, connect to your purpose, and remember…
Don’t be alarmed if you suddenly find that your purpose no longer feels good. See how it feels when you think about letting go of it.
You have more than one purpose – you have lots. You’re bound to have various different interests and things that you want to do – and that’s ok! You categorically did not come here to this planet of possibilities to do the same thing day-in-day-out for the rest of your life, so forgive yourself for feeling resistance to repetition.
Don’t fall into the gratitude trap. ‘I really wanted this and now I have it, and it doesn’t feel that great, I must be really ungrateful.’ Beating yourself up in this way is fruitless. It’s possible that what you thought you wanted, is no longer aligned with your purpose. Feel grateful for the path unfolding instead, and see what happens next.
Don’t panic if you don’t know what your current purpose is. Do you feel good? Are you loving life? Honestly? Then just keep doing more of what you’re doing and following your nose to what feels good. If you’re not feeling so good, and there’s a nagging sensation that you could feel better, have a think about purpose.
What do you genuinely feel called to do?
Just go and do it.